It’s my fault for not knowing how to be charming

My mom thinks she knows me, she thinks I’m always angry, she enters my room without knocking, my room has a hole that drips water constantly onto the bed and I have to sleep in the living room, filled with my dad’s books and my brother’s computer and games and the only thing I bring is my comforter and a pillow, she’s there everyday opening up the blinds and telling me that I make a mess out of the room , every day I pick up my comforter and pillow and the living room is only messy when I’m in it

Today she was in the hospital and i didn’t take my things away, she thinks the room isn’t a mess

I just wanted someone who would love who I am and make me grow from that love into a truer version of myself, I’ll never have that, no one cares about me , no one ever has and it’s not fair everyone else has someone at least one person , but I really have no one it’s not fair how am I to be someone without anyone else, I’ve been bullied and abused since I was 3 years old and there’s no pity there’s only abuse , my mom has cancer and she treats me worse than a dog

my mom has cancer and she’s in the hospital and I don’t know how she is and I have to stay in class so I don’t fail this class and can get into a masters I don’t even know I’ll get any job with and I just want to be able to make art but I’m bad at it in every single angle , whats the point , if there is God, it made me by accident, I don’t have any prospects or worth

it’s not fair

i wish i had a best friend that was nice and loved me and understood me but I don’t and everyone else does and im suposed to do everything they do and be as smart and as successful as they are

My mom is in the hospital i don’t know if she’s dead

my mom has cancer and i have no friends

when it’s my turn to clean the dishes I take one doll sit her on a shelf above the sink and I don’t get distracted from the task , when I have to write an essay on something, I take a doll and have her cheer me to complete it , I don’t have friends I feel myself with or that I am truly comfortable with and understood I don’t know if I’ll ever have anything like that but dolls don’t abuse me don’t misgender aren’t disruptive don’t make me have meltdowns they just do nothing say nothing and I take care of them , clean them , brush their hair, repair their clothes and accessories, make them new clothes and accessories as well, it’s all very simple but it gives me peace of mind when real people treat me badly or don’t respect me